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If only you knew..

          Growing up these past 17 years I have come to many realizations. I know you may laugh at my self belief that I am capable of making my own decisions. However, since I have nothing else better to do with my time right now I might as well play a calming melody with my keyboard. First off I realize that you will never love me the way I want you to. As far as my memories can take me, I have never really considered myself close to you. You always tend to counter my neglected thoughts by shoveling your defenses down my throat. You never listen. I apologize for not being the daughter your able to brag to your friends about. I’m sorry I’m not a goody two shoe, straight A student. I choose not to live my life by the book nor will I try to live my life to fulfill your expectations. I will never understand your acts of “discipline”. Yelling, cursing, threats, verbal, and physical abuse. You believe that through your tough discipline that you were able to mold me into a better person. Through all the shit you’ve said and done to me you still miracously believe that it will shape me into a decent child. But you are absolutely wrong. Your “discipline” only sparked me to hold a grudge against you. You made me suppress my once inner child to only grow cold hearted and into a thick faced girl. Some may argue and say love can be tough, but I don’t think it should ever hurt, well at least not like that.. I will never love you the way you want me to. I am detached from you completely. With age 18 coming up pretty soon I only see us growing further apart. I will never regret building a wall and carrying a grudge in my heart for you. Unfortunately whatever the future has in store for me, no matter what, nothing will change this strained, passionate feeling of hate I have towards you..